TRUCK...........

we got the rest of our paper work together last night. today i have to go get copies of a couple of things, but we'll go after bill gets off work this afternoon and pick up my truck. i'm excited!

I'm torn about billy. I just can't figure out what it is I feel. I'm supposed to "love " him, but i don't think I do. How can I go thru life living with a man I'm not in love with? It's a financial thing that keeps me hanging on. I just don't know what to do. being on SSDisability - getting a real job is out of the question, so I'm just flat stuck.............unless I get a job under the table, so to speak. I have business cards, but no one is biting. I do tractor work, have a place to board horses, and I train young horses. I just don't know what the good Lord wwants of me. I don't know where my life is supposed to go. I feel lost this morning.

CONFUSION..............

My head feels confused. I am torn between NEEDING billy & WANTING him to go away. financially..............i'm busted. that's all there is to that. part of me still does love billy. but there's too much water under the bridge. too much hurt. too much bitterness. just too much of everything. he wants to go to a marriage counselor. I'll go............but i don't think it's going to do any good. I'm too angry with him. i have no respect for him. He wants me to change my whole life. all my friends. stay away from my family. etc. etc. that somehow does not seem right. he sais he's concerned that people are gonna want to use me and abuse me. that 80% of the people i know are men. and that they just all want one thing from me. what? can I not have just friends? Just because they're men , they all want a piece of me? that's how it is according to billy. Problem is, in some instances, he's right. but not in all. I'm learning to differentiate between the two.

frankly, i feel like everybody wants a piece of me..............including billy. That's aggrevatiing me. I'm supposed to go camping tonight, and trailride tomorrow. I just don't know how it's all gonna play out. i joined a club i'm not really interested in. I don't really want to be in a club at all. I'd rather be a solo rider and go wherever I wish and not be obligated to one group of people during a ride. why did i even do that.

I'm scared of what's gonna happen to me. I have to find a job. but it's gotta be under the table becuase i'm on disability. that's really limiting me. that's the only reason i've thought of going back to billy. because of the money. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid and confused. mother won't have anything to do with me if I take billly back. I feel manipulated by everyone. and it's making me angry. ...................sigh...............why can't all these people just butt out of my life? Hell, there's a 25 year old young man hitting on me too. He's crazy about me. BUt he's only one year older than my son. I just don't know what to do. I think I'm going to just pull away from everyone. I've had enough. I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of everyone jacking with me, wanting to be with me, wanting a piece of me and my farm, I don't trust anyone. I can't.